6 and 1/2 hrs till 2010

2009 was troublesome.
i made more than a few big mistakes (as per usual), but i'm starting to forgive myself for them. all i can really do is move on and at least try to make 2010 a better year than the last.

i learned how to color drawings semi-decently in photoshop and i'm so pleased with myself. i'm going to try to put together something really nice in the next few months to color in photoshop, hopefully it turns out well! i already colored one thing but it's lame/not very well done and i'm not gonna post it on my blog because i'm not completely satisfied with it as i know i could do better. i'd like to think i've come a long way considering i was producing complete and utter garbage about two years back, i've clawed my way up to the title of "sub-par" since.

anyway, i hope everybody has lots of fun tonight and in the new year.


ps
HE IS SOOOO GOODLOOKING

ahaha. hahah. ha

What did the piercing feel like?

"The split second when the piercing was performed was on of the most profound feelings in my life, it almost like losing my virginity, I experienced infinity. it made me aware of how powerful and unimportant I was at the same time. When you voluntarily decide to put a piece of metal through your skin is very empowering thing. The permanent medium of steel being put through the impermanent medium of flesh is a powerful physical symbol of the impermanence of human existance."

70

today was a waste - in every sense of the word.
for the first time in a long time i had a little bit of spending money, about $150, and it's almost all gone now. hopefully i get some more for my birthday.

i had my center lip re-pierced. i don't even care anymore, about being trendy or not looking like a faggot or seeming like a faggot. i'm just giving up, honestly. i'm going to do whatever i please without worrying about what somebody's first impression of me is. it's not like anything really matters at this age, anyway. you can't even really be held accountable for doing stupid things because you're young and need to learn the hard way or whatever. this sounds so cliche, you know, the whole iTs My LiFe, iTs mY StYLe, LikE iT or LeAve iT hehE god i hate myself sometimes. if i was somebody else and i encountered myself i would hate me so much. or maybe that's the incredibly judgmental side of me talking?

xmas

i have an xbox 360 now.

ineedtostartupdatingmorefrequently

i refuse to let this blog die. i hope that doesn't jinx me, everytime i have a livejournal or blog set up and i say something like "i refuse to let this blog die" it dies shortly afterward.

my knees hurt. growing pains? am i even growing anymore?

oh god, christmas with my mom is tomorrow. i'm so excited. she got me a 360 (it's all i asked for). and tuesday morning (i think...?) we're off to the island to visit my grandmother and she's gonna take me shopping. i feel like a spoiled brat. it's nice. i need new clothes (badly). a new jacket, seriously, i'm so goddamned tired of that tna cargo bullshit.

oh oh oh
last week i watched every single episode of metalocalypse. that show is excellent. i love toki's songs.

my eyes are getting really heavy now
merry xmas to anybody who reads this.

i write this as i sit in bed wearing a spock shirt and sock monkey pajama pants

i haven't updated in a little while because i'm lazy. also because i didn't have anything to talk about.

i've been playing a lot of farmville lately, i think it's beginning to take its toll on my mental health. i become anxious when i think about how many hours until my precious poinsettia crops wither away and die, costing me a pretty penny in virtual farm-gold.

i played a lot of bible black yesterday and today. i think i have finished it, but i am also wondering if i maybe just lost, because the ending involved my character ejaculating to death on the roof of his school. i am thinking that is not how the game was supposed to end. oh well, i guess it's my fault as i made some "immoral decisions" in the game... i.e jacking off all over a girl while she was passed out in the bed in the nurse's office. i thought that was what the game wanted me to do! I SWEAR
i didn't even get to have sex with one of my teachers, or the girl i have been best friends with since my childhood. but i did get to bang my cousin/sister. except i was blindfolded and under a spell and i didn't know.
i want to play an eroge game which is more interactive.

attractive cake

comic/graphic novel collection!

the entire Wet Moon series (which isn't over yet!) this is probably my favorite comic. i solemnly swear to purchase every single one of these that comes out.


ugh. these are bad


i think there are lots more of these, but i only bought the first three issues. i want the rest. i should work on that.


i was a huge jhonen vasquez tard.


moar ross campbell! i really liked this, but i guess they just gave up after this one or something because there's only one in the series and it's been a few years since it came out.



i bought these when i had tons of money to spend on whatever i thought looked cool. they're cute.


for some reason my dad thought Lenore was really clever or something and he bought me a bunch of them. they're cute, that's about it.


and for weeaboo cred: the first chobits book. it was $2 at a used bookstore. hahaha

there's just so much i can't do.

if i had the skill to make things like this i would probably never stop drawing. among many works, i would have my own comic book series with my own characters. in fact, i would have more than one series. i have it all planned out in my head. i would be so busy constantly creating i wouldn't have time to think about sad things anymore. i could eat, sleep, and draw and be satisfied in knowing that when i'm wiped off the face of the planet i will leave so much to be remembered by. that would be good enough for me.

unfortunately i'm not really talented. i'm good at things, i have a few skills that not everyone has, some creative intuition. bits and pieces here and there. but i'm not really anything. i don't really have a solid identity. when i think about the people i know, i think about the things that make them who they are, which are the things they can do better than anybody else. what a person does, or what a person really cares about is what makes that person unique. i think, "oh, ____. ___ is really good at ____." and then i become so frustrated with myself because i know i can't think about myself like that. i know other people can't think about me like that. i think the few people who know me (but not really know me) just see me as that unstable person who has been having issues as long as they can remember, so they don't bother anymore. or maybe they don't see me in any way at all, i stopped being memorable a long time ago. most likely the latter of the two.

that and i i just noticed how quickly half-eaten apples brown when you leave them out.

60.

i don't ever want to change. i don't ever want to turn on anyone. i don't ever want to be that person.

wow...

pictured above is Park Da Som, who is sort of famous for having tons of cute pictures of herself all over the internet. she was arrested for pimping and beating her friends; in particular one who was down and out and needed her help. this is her story:

I don't know where to start. I was in distress 24 hours a day for 3 months, during which time it felt like it would never end. It lasted until March, and the matter still troubles my conscience even now. It's not a lie, which is why i remember the exact days to verify the story. Really... it is not a lie, please listen to my story. At first I was scared and confused. I feel a burning shame for these things. but many people want to help me, so I'm writing this.

I have proof that what I say is not a lie. Many people already know that I ate cat feces... it is true. That day I ran away. That was my second time to run away, but every time I tried, she caught me. I told her i couldn't eat that and that I would rather her hit me, and then she would go ahead and hit me. Then she would force me to eat cat poo, but i couldn't do it... Then, she would put it in my mouth and make me chew it. I felt nauseous, but i swallowed. After that, she ate Chinese black instant noodles, then she threw it up and made me clean it with my bare hands. After that, she said she would make me "hangover" soup. In it, she put in wasabi and ginseng and made me drink it. Then she said "Anyway, it's better than not eating anything, right? " So I said "Yes."

Her friends wanted money from me, too. They asked Park Da-Som(super cute girl's real name) if I could help them, and she said "Do whatever you want." But I was already afraid of Park Da-Som, so I couldn't refuse her friends. Anyway I paid off her friend's debts.

On her birthday, she booked her birthday party at an expensive place. The party cost more than 600,000 won, and 20 people came to it. But i couldn't sleep for 3 days because I had to make the money. She told me "If you can't make 600,000 won, then you will ruin my last teenage birthday. And if that happens, I will kill you. "

I was tired and had sores on my mouth from working too much, but I couldn't sleep because I had to find more guys. I couldn't eat anything, but when I said that to her she got angry at me because she thought I was faking. After that, she would force me to eat. She wanted lots of money from me but I couldn't make that much. So I wanted tell anybody about my situation. After finishing sex with a customer and getting money from them, I would have to go meet her. And while walking in the road, I thought about dieing. "How can I die naturally..." Or I would think "If I got pregnant, then would I have to do it anymore?" I thought things like this maybe 1000 times...

One day, after sleeping with some old guy, I was so tired that I fell asleep at the motel.
But she came there and pushed me and stepped on my face, then gave me a hard kick on my belly with her boot. It was winter then, and you know in winter the boots are very tough. She took me to her home, and at her home her mom was there. So she locked the door to her room and hit me with a pipe until I was bleeding from the head. So I told her I was sorry about being late, and that it wouldn't happen again.
But she said she didn't care that I was bleeding, and she made me lie down and then she sat on my stomach and tried to kick my face.
I turned my face as an involuntary response, so she ended up slashing my cheek.
Blood flew onto my eye, and I couldn't open my one eye and it changed to a blackish color.

After that, we went An-San Goryeo hospital. I had already been to the police station before, so Park Da-som reminded me "You are wanted by the police". So I couldn't use my medical card, or the police would know where I was. So if I got off from her side they would arrest me. I knew that what she said was all true. That's why I stayed with her and had sex with old men. My eye was treated using Park Da-som's medical card.
And that day too she made me ate cat poo, so the doctor had difficulty because I smelt like cat poo.
Even though I had hurt my eye she still made me try prostitution. I still did that because I couldn't do anything. When I met guys they were surprised about my body because I had bruises everywhere. But every time I said to them that it was just from an accident. One day I came back to Park Da Som's home and looked in the mirror. My eye was so puffed up that I couldn't open it, and from my eye pus was oozing out of the wound. I had to go to the hospital, but I couldn't tell to her. Anyway, she made me eat cat poo again, so I ran away from her and went back to my home.

My mom asked to me about my eye, but I couldn't tell her that it was because of Super Cute Girl. I still have a scar because when I got the ooze from my eye, I should have gone to the hospital right away, but I waited too long.

Oneday i was sleeping but not really sleeping. My father was close to me and he was crying. At that time my heart broke. I wanted to die. My parents gave money to Park Da-som because she told my parents I had used her money and that she had let me stay for free at her home. I feel so sorry about letting that happen to my parents.
When I think about that time, I think of myself as a real moron. I'm really sorry to my parents...

I went back to Park Da-Som because I couldn't get off her side, and needed money again. So, I tried to work harder. One day, she said "I prayed to God for you to come back here again. Thank you for coming back." I told her "No, don't say that to me. I'm more sorry than you." She asked me "So, you won't try to run away again?" And I replied "Yes, I won't go away anymore" Though we talked like that, it wasn't true. Eventually my mom found me and brought me back to my home. That was the last time I met Park Da-Som But after me, there was another girl Park Da-Som did the same thing to (referred to as "B" girl) Anyway, after my mom picked me up she asked me about what happened. She asked me over and over, But I didn't say anything to her, just pushed her away and made her get out my room. In February I tried to kill myself, but my mom helped me to live. Frankly, I'm still disturbed about everything that happened, but many people are helping me so that I can write this.

Hmm... It's already been 5 months. My life is getting better. I meet with my friends and I've been growing happier again, knowing that I don't have to see her anymore. But I feel burdened again because I talk about her again.. Many things happened in those 3 months, so I don't know how to chronicle everything. I just want to tell to you all "Please trust me. I'm not lying." I was physically damaged and emotionally hurt. Maybe Park Da-som will read this and she will be angry at me again. I already know what she will think. She told me before: "If you go to the police and tell about all this, then I will kill myself and tell everyone that my death is because of you! Then people will think I'm a poor victim. Think about that well. Also, if I die, my friends are going to kill you, too. "
Yes, if somebody reads this then they will think I'm a moron or stupid. But I believed what she said. That's why I did all that. I was really, really scared. Please trust me. Please...

translated story found on http://www.mongdori.com/forums/read.php?2,530
reblogged from fuckyeahuhljjang

delicious foods

hullo

i drank a coffee before bedtime and now i can't sleep. i'm so hyper, so jumpy. i want to go for a walk but it's pitch black outside and i don't want to get raped. still, i really need to use up some energy so i can sleep eventually.

i found something i didn't like. i feel very stupid. my room is a mess, it was clean earlier today. i deshelved and decloseted everything, i got excited. i wish i had more friends. i wish i had another best friend. i wish i had more money to buy christmas and birthday presents. i can't wait to be seventeen. i can't wait to go for this nightwalk. i am feeling fine.

best early xmas gift ever

Danielle decided to give me my xmas present early. This is the best, since I love filling out questionnaires/surveys/question & answer books. It's way better than Listography. It's also from 1998. I already filled out half of it, I can't help myself.

I didn't get any work done today or yesterday. I'm just suffering from a total lack of motivation. I don't want to do stupid chemistry maths. I feel really fat and gross. I've been too tired to exercise lots lately. I need a long walk tonight.

Microsoft Windows has stopped working

My house is a mess. I don't have any motivation to clean up the dishes that are piling up or to put away the clothes on the floor or to put away that marushka doll that I knocked off the shelf.

When I don't feel well, I sleep. I carbo-load and fall right asleep. That's what I'm going to do right now.

more weird dreams

Last night i dreamt that i was Mariah Carey's cousin and a perverted version of Sailor Moon where the Sailor Scouts were rainbow colored and Sailor Moon was a hermaphrodite were in an AMV to a song that Mariah Carey had written for her father (my uncle) and i made a facebook status update about the song and Mariah Carey's father inquired about it but i had a moral dilemma because i did not want to show him the video.

why is izuna drinking milk in a hot spring?

toasts and coffee for breakfast

for the past couple months (i think) it's been nearly impossible to crush my spirits.
before the smallest thing would get me down and obstacles felt like the end of the world. it's so nice to have a constant where i'm (more than) content with my life with no ups or downs.

looks like i'm not going to sanfran anymore. my mom is worried about money, and she knows we'll end up spending too much if we go. it's okay, i didn't really want to go in the first place, and i don't want to go on a trip if she can't afford it and it makes her broke or something.

did i talk about how my dad quit his weekend job? i can't remember. anyway, he's been working 7 days a week since before i was born, and he just quit his weekend job. i don't know how he did that for so long. he was getting really moody, too. i think quitting that job helped. the only problem is that we're going to be even more broke than before, but he says we'll get by, and he wouldn't lie about something like that.

yesterday i was on the skytrain to the hospital and sitting accross from me were these two really overweight chicks. one was dressed in a pink sweet lolita jacket paired with mundane-ass jeans and sneakers. she was also wearing a hairband made for little girls. the other one was dressed regularly. they were talking about gothic lolita and anime evolution and the one in the sweet lolita jacket was talking about how much she knows about lolita in this deep, disgusting voice. i know i'm too judgmental but oh my god. LOLITA IS NOT FOR YOU. the whole concept of lolita is about looking like an innocent, dainty little girl and you just can't do that when you're 200+ lbs, over 25 and have the voice of a man. especially considering you're not even doing it right, you never, EVER pair lolita pieces with regular clothes. it's also incredibly lame to wear it as everyday attire, all you're doing is embarrassing yourself. i am NEVER going to anime evolution. just because of that. i am literally disturbed. some weeaboos have no shame. i hope people appreciate the fact that i am a relatively quiet weeaboo. i don't bother normal people about the stupid embarrassing shit i like. i'm pretty embarrassed about the chobits and hellsing posters in my room. i have a conscience.

i think my ex is suffering from brain damage.

a considerable amount of time has passed since we broke up. it was probably the messiest breakup ever, anyone who is close enough to me knows why. but for some reason, after innumerable phone calls where we screamed at each other, fights because i won't get back together with him, and emails and messages i didn't answer hoping he would get the hint, he will STILL send me a message every so often where he types out some essay on how his life is terrible and it's my duty to start seeing him again in order to make it better or something. i didn't answer the last time, but this morning i got a message from him telling me to PLEASE ANSWER BACK so he knows i really don't want anything to do with him and everything would be fine and he'd stop bothering me. so i did, and surprise surprise, he doesn't stop bothering me, instead he starts up with his abusive bullshit about how i lied about loving him and he'll never trust anyone again and how i'll never meet anyone better than him and he'll never meet anyone better than me.

i hate his guts. i wish he would drop off the face of the planet. every single time we get into one of these arguments, he'll end it with something like "okay, I'm sorry, I won't bother you ever again." but then he does bother me again. and it seems like it never ends. if i don't respond, he sends more messages, because in his mind the reason i'm not responding isn't because i want him to go away, it's because i'm not getting the messages. i really hope this was the last of it. i'm so tired of not being able to go more than one month without being reminded of my past (him) because he feels it's due time for another one of his gigantic emails/messages. if i ever see him again (i really, REALLY hope i don't) and he tries to talk to me or something i swear i'm going to go up to him and hit him as hard as i possibly can. i don't care that he's bigger than me, or that he could probably demolish me in a single hit because it would just feel so damn good to show him just how much i hate him now.

new header/layout!

i was getting really tired of the old one. art used is by tama.

okay, so i know this isn't helping my "I'M NOT A WEEABOO" argument in the slightest but i found another anime i can tolerate. and it's ONLY because it's about creepycute gothic lolita dolls.
shut up. yes i watched the first season, and i am aware that this is from the second season (which is what i'm almost finished watching now). hina ichigo is my favorite. I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE..

my mom planned a trip for us to go to san francisco when the olympics are on!! i've never been there before. my grandma (on my mom's side) is paying for it. i am so intimidated by that woman. she means well, and she's not crazy or anything, she's just not exactly the stereotypical nurturing grandmotherly type. i remember when i was little one of her dogs bit me and i was crying and she told me to get over it. it wasn't even that bad, what she said, it just made me feel like a crybaby and the bite hurt!

" "

there are some people that i wish would just disappear or at least move far away where i never have any chance of seeing them or hearing about them again or something.

i felt really tired at around 10:30-10:45 and was all excited about getting to bed early and getting a good night's sleep. unfortunately as soon as i crawled into bed i became awake again.

what the hell is this?

i hate thinking of titles for these

hey. i just woke up from a 3 hour nap.
i had a dream that upset me but i can't really remember much of it now (stupid dreams and forgetting them right away). all i remember is in one part of it i was on the skytrain, realizing i missed my stop by two stops, and i was rushing to get out the door but a little kid was blocking the doors so i was stuck on the train. i was pissed and i loudly insulted the child and his mother. then i dropped my cellphone. when i picked it up, and opened it, (i have a keybo, i open my phone yeah wut) it just started to fall apart! first it broke into two, and then it just sort of... collapsed into a bunch of pieces. when i woke up i thought i didn't have a phone anymore.

i'm so happy, i have a real tokidoki bag now. i got the Leo Serena for $100 less than it usually is! it's so sturdy compared to my knockoff. this is it:

i feel the need to mention how great it is not finding pieces of my hair in everything. i'll never forget eating dinner and consuming my own hair at the same time, that was disgusting. i could run my fingers through my hair and four strands would break off. it's because there was so much of it and it was so damaged from the perm. never again.

sorry

i feel sort of bad because i haven't seen my mom in a couple months and she arranged this dinner-gettogether type thing with my cousin and i but it keeps feeling through every time she arranges it. she told me it wasn't happening (again) this morning but she asked me if i wanted to come visit anyway, except all she would be doing is painting. and i really didn't want to go all the way to ladner for a few hours to watch my mom paint and breathe in some fumes, so i declined. she sounded disappointed and i felt terrible right away.

anyway, i'm feeling really content with everything right now. i think that's the main reason i haven't been updating this as frequently. i'm way less stressed out too, i finished the first science module (probably failed it) and moved on to the second one, which is chemistry, which i really like for some reason.

i cut all my hairs off like i said i would. it's super short. i still have bangs though, i can't part with my bangs. halloween was lots of fun! wearing fake blood for extended periods of time is really uncomfortable, to say the least.

nothing and nowhere

halloween is on saturday! i wish i was more prepared. i always have elaborate plans for a really neat costume but i never get things together fast enough and it just falls apart. happens every year. oh well. i'm getting my hair cut today. i'm sitting in my house in my pajamas wearing a thick scarf around my neck. it looks ridiculous. stupid throat.

i hate the sound of my own heartbeat

i cannot stand it. i'll be running and i'll feel it thudding in my chest, or i'll press on a vein and feel my pulse ever so slightly, and i'm repulsed. it's so unsettling. i don't have a problem listening to heartbeats belonging to other people, it doesn't bother me at all, in fact it's almost soothing, it's just mine that bothers me. the worst is when you're panicked or you ran too hard and you'll be heaving, trying to breathe properly and your heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest and bleed everywhere.

" "

i'm cutting my hair off. just the curls. i want fresh, new hair which i'm not going to dye or perm or do anything to ever. having to wash it and put product in it to keep it smooth everyday is getting to be such a hassle.

. . .

something doesn't feel right again.

instead of doing schoolwork, i'm going to spend the day watching skins. i'm really not in the mood for schoolwork. why does it seem like whenever everybody else is having a great time, i'm having a not-so-great time and whenever i'm having a great time, everybody else is having a not-so-great time? it's like we all can't be happy at once or sad at once or something. a tradeoff, even.

i'm conflicted!

i really don't know whether i should switch to tumblr or not. maybe anyone who reads my blog and knows anything about blogs could comment on this entry and tell me what i should do? i know you won't do it.

anyway i wrote a whole essay about capital punishment today. somebody told me i spelled it wrong but i don't think i spelled it wrong. it said "capital" punishment and not "capitol" punishment on the assignment info page and i googled it and i think it's called "capital" punishment in Canada instead of "capitol" punishment. it was only supposed to be an essay outline but i wrote the essay first, saved a copy of the essay and then edited it to make it look like an outline. i did everything backwards.

11 days till halloween
67 days till xmas
80 days till my birthday

why can't we have these here???

FUK TUMBLR!!!1

okay, i say this now, but i'll probably eventually end up transferring over to tumblr since everyone on blogspot seems to be doing that. i'm just really going to miss my history of blog entries.

the bane of my existence

is this stupid, stupid science assignment. it's probably not stupid actually, i think i'm the stupid one because it's been about a month and i still can't figure it out. i asked somebody on the internet for help and they helped me and i was so happy when i submitted the assignment because i was finally over with it but i checked my inbox this morning and my science teacher said i did it all wrong and gave me little to no clarification as to how i am supposed to do it the "right" way.

when i wake up from my nap which i am going to take after i finish this blog entry, i am going to read the last 19 pages of this book

and when i have finished reading those final 19 pages i will have finished reading this book in less than 24 hrs. it's my favorite book now. even more of a favorite than Idoru, probably. i am also reading

it isn't as good as The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time and much, much longer and i am really not as interested in it as TCIOTDITNT but i am interested in it and it is funny and i like it. i wish i had money so i could buy both of these books and put them in my bookshelf which is full and cannot hold any more books so i would have to buy an additional bookshelf to shelve them which is another reason i wish i had money. but i like to be able to take a book i've read out of my bookshelf to re-read it or even just look at it or something. and i can't do that when the book is at the library and other people are borrowing it.

anyway my stepsister has just come home and i'm afraid of her going into the bathroom for a long time so nobody else can use it so i will finish this blog entry right here so i can go use the bathroom and then go to sleep. bye

another day of another day of another day of

i feel sad.

but i found a way to make the sims 3 work without crashing! i made my girl sim go to central park where she met another sim and proposed to him within 3 hours. i don't know where they're at right now. she's really busy with her career as a backup vocalist and i don't have any idea where he lives. it's kind of worrying because she's like 1/4 of the way through her "Adult" stage and i want her to get married and have kids and she can't when she's at the gross "Elder" stage. i wouldn't care if she wasn't so cool looking. does anyone else notice that after you're playing the sims for too long when you stop you feel as if you are a sim and need to balance out your moods and notice that your "social" or "hunger" bars are getting too low? i do.

iiiii got dosed by u

my dad has been really goddamned weird lately. anytime something trivial happens, something that isn't even a big deal, really, he flips out and tells me to get a job and move out. i don't understand this, dad. you're usually very logical and rational and only say things like this when you're absolutely livid. ((side note: i fucking hate it when people call my house and speak to me in chinese. hey, you fucking retard, you're calling CANADA, and you are fully aware that 2/3 people currently living in the house you're calling DON'T SPEAK CHINESE, so don't fucking do that. for fuck's sakes it's so inconsiderate and rude.)) anyway, all in all, i'm a pretty good daughter, i think. i don't usually break curfew, i don't do terrible things, i clean up after myself, but whenever my dad becomes angry with me for something that he wouldn't normally get angry about he treats me as if i'm some pothead mooch without a job who dropped out of school and is leeching off of the family or something. i asked him if he would pay my rent and bills if he wants me to move out so badly because i'm still in highschool and won't be able to make enough money with a part-time job to pay for everything i need and he just stops talking or changes the subject. also someone was telling me i should get a can of compressed air for my laptop to clean the dust out of the vents and i told my dad, "we need a can of compressed air." he came and stood in my doorway and literally pointed his finger at me and very sternly said "don't tell me what we DO and DO NOT need. you don't get to say what goes on here. i'm tired of this."

i don't like this. i don't like to have a bad relationship with the person who provides for me and i go to when i have problems. it's already like that with the other parent, i don't want it to be that way with both of them.

i think it might have something to do with his wife being gone and not coming back until after christmas. obviously he is going to miss her because she's his wife, but she also took care of the house and made sure things were clean and not disgusting because all she did was sit at home and sleep most of the day. maybe living in a messy environment is getting to him.

anyway, moving on. remember a few (a lot) of entries back i was talking about how my toenail was all weird and discolored and sore? well i forgot about it, and it just stayed a bad color but i painted my red polish over it and really just forgot about it. i thought the discoloration would go away. but when i came home last night and was sitting crosslegged at my desk i noticed the nail was halfway off. there was no blood, no pus, it was just... sort of falling off. it was really sick. i pulled it off. danielle was on speaker phone when it happened, but she made me make a youtube video of it so she could watch it happen after it had happened. i told my dad about it and he gave me some tissue and said to put the tissue over the place where my toenail would be and use a band-aid to hold it in place until it grew back.

so i don't have a big toenail anymore. this happened once, or twice, but when i was way younger. i don't remember how long it took to grow back. it looks really gross. i hate it so much.

i got the sims 3!!!
but yeah, there is a problem. my laptop overheats and shuts off during gameplay. :(

my 1st attempt at nail art by toothpick

: (

i want to feel stable/neutral again.

everything i think about is causing me anxiety.

school,
the prospect of work,
other people,
exercise,
consciousness.

i don't feel safe. i don't know how to explain this feeling, but i'm not dealing with it well. all i want to do is sleep and eat. i want the medications to hurry up and get back into my system but i think it takes a couple weeks. i have no idea how i'm going to live with myself until then.

i just want to feel better?

scans of brief moments in my childhood

interview with self.

i stole this from some other blogspot.


1. Who influenced you the most when you were growing up?
my dad. definitely my dad. he still is (influencing me). i view him as some sort of deity placed on this earth to guide me through all of my trials and tribulations. i strive to be the female version of my father. i've told him pretty much everything i've ever done. i'll probably commit suicide if i'm not mentally prepared/developed enough when he dies.



2. Tell about your favorite childhood memory.
i have so many favorite childhood memories, but i think the entire period of time where my life consisted of waking up at 5 in the morning at my mom's on Sunday to watch cartoons (i even sat through the ones i hated just to get to the good ones) and eating mostly just the icing from like 5 packages of dunkaroos. the cookies were good too, but the icing was just fantastic. the rainbow one in particular. TV made everything better.



3. What was the saddest time in your life?
i'm not completely sure. like most people (teenagers, really), i'm sad a lot of the time. scratch that, i'm anxious a lot of the time. but the most anxious period in my life was when i was in grade 7 and my OCD symptoms were running rampant. i was convinced, that while sleepwalking in the middle of the night, i would grab the biggest knife out of the knive block, stab my stepsister in the top bunk, stab my dad and stepmom in the next room, and wake up to find everyone dead and realizing that it was all my fault. nobody could convince me otherwise, and i wasn't much help to myself either. i was in and out of the emergency room at the hospital because that was the only place i felt safe (where i couldn't harm anyone) when i was having an anxiety attack. all i did was cry. i can't even remember how long that went on for. i was also under the impression that i had some unknown mental illness that had never occured in anybody before, as i had no idea what OCD or its symptoms were, and i came to the conclusion that my life was over because i was insane and could never lead a normal life.



4. What was the happiest time in your life?
i can't focus on a single happy time that stands out from the rest. i've had a lot of really excellent but brief times where i'm completely ecstatic and thrilled with life. those are the best.



5. What was the best advice someone gave you?
something along the lines of "stop caring what everybody thinks." of course it was worded much better and sounded a lot wiser. my dad said it, and some other people said it. also, something about distancing myself from the past and looking at things that have happened and bad experiences i've had in a very emotionally numb way, but at the same time realising how badly the experiences made me felt and refusing to let myself go through the same things ever again. also from my dad. i am SO fucked when he croaks.



6. Tell about your favorite vacation - or a trip you've taken.
i haven't taken enough vacations to have a favorite, i don't think i've been alive long enough to have traveled very much. or maybe it's just because middle-class and my parents can't afford to fly me all over the world. i've been to hawaii, that's as exotic as it gets. disneyland a couple times, but i can't remember anything about disneyland, i was way too young. some shitty canadian cities you have to drive for five hours to get to. i didn't even answer this question properly. oh well.



7. If you could relive any part of your life, which part would it be?
i don't want to relive any parts of my life. i'm glad everything so far is over and done with. i guess i might relive the really happy times, providing it didn't take up too much time. i just want to get older and die. i just want to get everything over with. i'm tired of life experience. my childhood was pretty cool, though, considering i didn't really have to worry about "real people" problems. just stupid custody battles and anxieties i couldn't explain or understand.



8. Tell about a childhood friend, pet, and/or experience.
my best friend ever was Jessica. i met her in kindergarten. i remember our kindergarten teacher (who is dead now) told her something about her being too possessive of me and not allowing me to make any other friends and holy crap is that ever flattering to me. i don't know how to describe it. i want to facebook her but i can't remember her last name. it's really upsetting. anyway, all Jessica and i ever did was collect pokemon crap and watch digimon and one time her mom Kim told me digimon was better because it had more of a solid plot line and pokemon was just the same goddamn thing every episode. Kim also told me that her biggest regret was dropping out of highschool in grade 11. i think Jessica and i walked in on Kim and her boyfriend having sex one time but i can't really remember correctly. i feel weird when i think about it.



9. How did you choose your vocation?
i don't even know, really. i just have this ridiculous passion for everything to do with hair/hairdressing. and everything else just seems like it would be so tedious for me.



10. Of what event/accomplishment in your life are you most proud?
this question is so depressing. i haven't accomplished anything worth talking about. i guess i did a few things, um... started working out, stopped eating things that slowly kill a person, lost about 30 lbs. made some nice art projects. stopped living a destructive lifestyle. i didn't win any trophies or anything.



11. How have you changed as you've grown older?
i stopped dressing like an idiot. i stopped doing things that at the time i didn't realize were ruining me and my mental health. i'm still stupid and angsty, but on the bright side i've stopped doing things that were bad for me and i got less ugly. i stopped taking medication for OCD, but i'm thinking i should probably start again because i'm obsessing like no tomorrow and i'm feeling really depressed a lot of the time.



12. What was your most difficult accomplishment?
overcoming anxiety. that's not really an accomplishment, i'm still anxious, i haven't overcome shit. learning to deal with it has been difficult, and according to psychology's pseudo-motivational feelgood bullshit i should be really proud of myself for even sort of getting it all in check. i hate this question and i hate my answer, disregard it please



13. Tell about any regrets you've had.
i regret just about everything significant i have ever done.
i regret lying to myself. i regret dumbing myself down and letting myself be taken advantage of in order to sustain a stupid abusive relationship that wasn't going anywhere. i regret some things i'm not going to talk about publicly. i regret not listening to the warnings and advice of the people who knew what they were talking about. i regret every single careless injury that caused an ugly scar i have to look at today. i regret getting a perm. i regret slacking off when i first started high school. i regret looking for love in the wrong places. i regret trying to be something else to impress anyone that didn't actually matter. i regret being loud and obnoxious in public.



14. How do you approach death?
right now the only thing that scares me about death, or the idea of death, is how we have zero solid proof or information about what happens when we die. that's a scary thought. is it nothing? is it eternal damnation? are we re-united with dead relatives and pets? is it another plane of existence? none of us have any idea and it's terrifying. my dad told me his guess is that when you're dead, you're dead, and you don't think, feel, live, or anything. you just aren't.
that freaked me out and i wish he had a more comforting theory. i hope he is wrong about this one thing. i just want a cool afterlife for everything everyone on this planet has gone through, that's all.



15. How do you want to be remembered?
right now i don't care if i'm not remembered. i just don't want to be remembered as a person good people didn't like. that would be the worst possible thing.

?

day 8

it's been 8 days since i started blogging about feeling like crap, so it's safe to assume that the "week from hell" is no longer just a "week". maybe it'll stop soon though, i shouldn't get my hopes down. i'm probably just being an angsty teenager.

some important things have happened, let me see:

• school is really stressing me out
• my application or whateveritwas for the breast reduction surgery got approved! unless i'm confused about what the lady on the phone said (i probably am, it's probably not actually going this fast, i'm just getting my hopes up) i'm having the surgery this coming spring!! yes.

• i'm getting stressed out and obsessive about issues that aren't even really relevant but i can't help it

• i went and saw a movie with danielle, a film festival movie, called "antichrist". i don't know how i felt about it. it was probably a movie meant for intellectuals who look into deep meaning and recognize metaphors and that's why i didn't appreciate it/get it.

not feeling any better...

all i want right now is to be around others or to have a shoulder to cry on.
i don't even know why i'm so upset, i just feel like nothing is ever going to work out and i don't deserve any better than what i've gotten in the past. i almost feel like it's pointless to look for things that are better for me because i'm just not good enough for them.

like i said, all i want right now is a shoulder to cry on. but others have lives and their own problems and can't just drop everything and look after me when i'm not feeling alright. and i don't feel as if that's unjust or anything, it's just how it is, really. i need to learn to deal with my problems independantly because i'm terrified of pushing others away, because let's face it - who really wants to deal with that one person whose life is almost always in ruins. it's not your life to fix, eventually you just get tired of trying and hope the person figures it out on their own. i don't know how many people i've pushed away by doing this but i don't want to lose anybody else.

never, ever again

monday (today, yesterday? the two obviously blend into one another when you stay up/out all night) was a day from hell.

i'm probably just being dramatic, but i feel like a complete fucking wreck right now.
i'll divulge:

i did my first in-person-dumping ever. it didn't feel good. it didn't feel empowering. it just felt like crap. what a waste of emotion. i *hate* short, pointless relationships, anybody can tell you how useless they are. experience my ass, more like a blatant waste of time. in the end, you're usually just like... "how on earth did i ever decide that getting into a relationship with this person would be a good idea? why didn't i listen to anyone? why didn't we just stay friends? why did we cross that line?" but dwelling on this doesn't change the fact that you (likely) fucked up a chance at possible friendship with the person and things will never be the same.

completely unrelated: wow, facebook is being a pile of crap right now

uh, anyway, i'm one of those people who prefer not to be alone during periods of time like these, so i went out late, and stayed out later. everything was really helpful and took my mind off of everything, my friend even got me a ride home (i cannot reiterate enough how greatful i am to you for this - not just the ride home obviously, for hanging out with me when i was all upset and stuff, you're da best) because the skytrain wasn't operating at 1:30/2:00 but then i (a little too much coffee) thought it would be a good idea to walk to the quay instead of just b-lining it straight home. whatever, my dad would've been pissed, i somehow got the idea in my head that it would be really easy to sit in the park at the quay, use the swings and read on a bench for five hours... needless to say, that didn't work.
two hours in i headed home and sat in my apartment lobby for an hour and a half and i finished my book!!! yesssss. finally getting around to finishing a book that has been sitting in your bookshelf for a couple years is a little gratifying.

5:30 and i decided to scrap my "arrive home at 7 and pretend i just caught the first bus home" plan and now i'm here. i'm going to make it a point here to stress that i really don't like lying to my dad but tonight was necessary, i needed out and i needed out as long as possible. i wasn't even doing anything bad, i'm sure he'd sympathise. no more late nights in which have to orchestrate massive lies just to cover up the simple fact that i stayed out later than i'm actually supposed to be staying out. i like having a parent that trusts me and i think i'll try a little harder to maintain this trust.

on a separate note: lately i've been writing FULL BLOWN BLOG ENTRIES. i'd like to think it's sort of impressive for someone who has a pretty fixed schedule of sleeping, internetting and exercising. i wonder if anybody actually reads these entire things. i remember when i'd get so bored on the internet i'd just devote hours on end to reading some weirdos livejournal that takes place over the span of a couple years. i like other people and i like it when they document their lives in a way that is easily accessible by me.



everyone should have a blog.

this blog entry in point/bullet form

• i ate a whole bag of green grapes in two days (i think it was just me, maybe someone else ate some of it though)
• my nose still looks stupid
• i feel like puking (think it has something to do with the grapes)
• taiko drum master is a really awesome game
• the amount of complaining i do is going to ruin any possible friendships i might ever have (nobody wants to listen to someone complain)
• i'm going to sleep at an hour that ISN'T absurd tonight
• hopefully my school stuff will be sorted out by tomorrow afternoon
• my anxiety is through the roof lately
• kokanee beer is tasty, i don't want to make a habit of it though because a) it's fattening and b) i just don't want to make a habit out of drinking beer
• apparently there is more to life than sleep, going to the gym, the internet, and eating but it seems so unattainable
• i'm a little worried about my sweet danielle (cheer up gurl)
• i'm scared my dad has H1N1
  

Lately, I have been feeling like crap

i hope whoever reads this blog appreciates the fact that this entry is going to be pretty informative.

more on the title of this entry: "Lately, I have been feeling like crap." it's true. i really don't know what is causing it, though. at first i thought it was because i was just sitting at home doing nothing (my school registration is a sort of painstakingly long process and i don't even know if they're doing anything about it, really, we haven't received any sort of update), but then i went outside and did some things and started exercising again (my ankle is better, my toe is still sorta gimped) but that didn't really help for more than an hour and then i just realized that me being a shut-in is not what is causing these terrible feelings. it might be because it's been about two weeks since i completely stopped taking my SSRI and my body is reacting to that crap being completely out of my system. i think i have a little bit of reason to be anxious and depressed but it shouldn't be making me THIS anxious and depressed, you know? i found an old prescription of clonazepam in the cupboard. i don't know why we have a full bottle of this stuff lying around, i guess my psychiatrist perscribed it to me and i decided i didn't want anything to do with it. either way, am i ever glad i didn't throw this stuff away. you might not know what clonazepam is, i don't really know what it is either. i only know that i used to take it a lot whenever i felt really anxious and needed to calm down, and it basically just made me too sluggish to feel any anxiety about anything. i'm going to start doing that again, at least until whatever is wrong (i don't even know what's wrong) sorts itself out. what i DO know is that i really don't want to start taking an SSRI again. the clonazepam is sorta nice because i don't have to take it on a fixed schedule, just whenever i need it. sort of like an aspirin. also it doesn't really have any lasting effect and as far as i know, it leaves my system fairly quickly (unlike SSRIs). i am probably completely wrong about all of this so don't quote me on this (i don't even know what kind of situation you would be in where you might want to quote me on this, i'm making myself seem like i think i'm important or something. sorry).

i'm feeling especially terrible about my past, too. stupid things i did when i was a few years younger that i can't seem to forgive myself for. i'm hesitant to talk about these problems with my peers for fear of the social stigma that might come from people knowing about these things. i didn't murder anyone or anything, people are just very judgmental, and i know this because i am very judgmental myself. but lately i've been trying to be less judgmental and realize that we are all pretty much equal in terms of grossness or lameness. i don't know, is there any real point bothering someone about something a bunch of people have already bothered them about, especially when they're going to regret that something a couple years down the road? i want to be completely unbiased and have nothing bad to say about anybody. that's my goal. i want to be that kind of adult. someone that nobody is afraid to talk to because they know that someone won't have anything bad to say about them, ever. i don't think anyone really deserves to have anything bad said about them unless they've wronged me in some horrible way, so i'm making it my goal to stop saying bad things to people. maybe i should just go all the way and not even say bad things about people who say bad things about me first. i'm tired of dwelling on the mistakes that other people have made in order to make me feel better about my own. i don't think it's a good theraputic method for my self-guilt or hatered or whatever.

after all, we are mostly all just losers one way or another.

in completely unrelated news, i burned some skin off my nose trying to steam out blackheads. the water i used on the facecloth was scalding and that was definitely a bad idea, because now instead of having a couple blackheads i have weirdo burnmarks on my nose that look like acne scars.

the clonazepam kicked in and i'm not feeling nearly as crappy as i did when i begun writing this entry. i'll probably write some more later when i feel like crap again.

meat house!

~20 sausages
12 rashers of bacon
1kg of sausage meat
2/3 a packet of bread crumbs
= 5870 calories...

9087668

i'm taking a week off from the gym to give my ankle time to heal, i feel like a pile of shit when i'm sitting on my ass but it hurts to walk.
nothing interesting has happened, never mind this entry....

my stuffed rabbit smells not nice

i was introduced to restaurant city! it's much better than farm town. at first i was reluctant to play any sort of game on facebook ever again but i am pleasantly surprised with restaurant city.

today i didn't do anything except go for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. it was delightful and i think i am going ahead with the surgery. the doctor told me she would send my information off to the government for approval, would hear back from them in up to 12 weeks, and then give me a call so we can schedule for the surgery. i filled out lots of paperwork. the surgery will probably happen in 6-18 months. she gave me some information on aftercare which sounds dreadful but i think i can handle it. i just hope i don't scar too badly.

UGHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i just bawled my eyes out and yelled at my dad because he kept telling me to look for some card with a fax number on it that he supposedly gave me even though i kept reminding him that he never gave me any card and that both him and my mom always do this stupid thing to me where they tell me something happened that clearly DID NOT HAPPEN but it's their word against mine or whatever and i'm stuck being made out to look like an incompetent piece of shit when it's really their crappy memories at fault.

everything hurts. my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts, my back hurts, my toe hurts, my head hurts and my throat hurts. there's a blood spatter on my wrist and i am definitely not going to wash it off.

i'm in one of those moods where i basically just want to turn all the lights off and sleep away the anxiety/bad feelings/etc.

my internet therapist doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

a long-awaited update

hey. it's been a little while. maybe a week or so? i'm not sure.

so i didn't get in to burnaby mountain after all and now i'm doing my courses online. i had to choose four courses and complete the first assignments, but i couldn't complete two out of the four - for whatever reason they didn't have planning 10 on the website and english 10 instructs me to complete my first assignment upon registration. i really wish i hadn't slacked off when i was younger because i'm stuck doing grade 10 work when i should be doing grade 11 work. i guess it isn't that bad though, because at least i'm not stuck in a classroom full of 14 year olds and i have the comfort of being able to do this at home.

i lost my goddamned wallet yesterday. everytime i think about it i feel really upset. i think i lost it on the bus home, but i don't know how the hell how because i always put my wallet in by bag right after showing it to the bus driver. i don't want to jump to conclusions but perhaps somebody pickpocketed me? i hope not. even if they did all they really got was a september bus pass and last year's go-card. it's not like i had any money in there or anything. but i still had some important things in there and i'd really like it back. i phoned translink's lost property line this morning and they gave me some bullshit about it taking 2 business days for the lost stuff to be turned in. what. the. hell. give me my wallet! i need it now! how aggravating.

anyway i've completed my two assignments and now i have shit all to do for the rest of the day.

september blogs

i feel sluggish.
pretty excited that by next week i'll actually have somewhere to go everyday and not just stay at home on the internets! it won't last, though. i'll get upset with the new schedule and will want things to go back to the way they were.

i feel fat and disgusting. i don't know why i feel fat and disgusting but i do and it's a horrible feeling.

i don't really have anything cool to talk about right now! maybe i will only update my blog when something neat happens. nobody wants to read this crap.

why can't i sleep???

well this is unnerving. went to bed at 1 and tossed & turned or whatever for two hours so I just got up. made some miso soup that my dad bought me today. it tastes like crap. like fish. yuck.

we went to the asian night market beforehand! it was how it is everytime I go there. not a problem, though. here are some useful things I bought there:

cute stationery crap.


a pencilcase that looks like a cat. nice.


a compact mirror that is supposed to look like an oreo cookie.

a fabric covered planner/scheduler thing.

domo-kun keychain.

my mom is moving to ladner on sunday. I don't know much about ladner and I definitely don't know how to get there by bus. kind of worried.

i've developed a schedule.

I can't ever remember living by a schedule in summertime, but I've done it. here it is.

• wake up at 7:00 A.M or 9:00 A.M, depending how late I stayed up last night. eat a large bowl of cereal with fruit. Brush my teeth. Piss
• go back to sleep until 1:00 P.M
• bathe
  
• internetting until I get hungry. make some food. eat the food
• return to the internet until dinnertime and make some food. eat some more food
• once again, return to precious internet
• at 9:50 P.M exactly, I go down to the gym on the main floor of my apartment building and work out for about 45 mins
• come back upstairs and return to the internet (I don't need to shower because I don't smell bad ok, I bathe in the morning)
• internet until anywhere from 1:00 A.M to 4:00 A.M. refrain from eating a '4th meal'
  
• sleep
• and then the cycle begins anew.
  

hey u fucks

it's almost September. that means it's almost Autumn and I fuckin love Autumn.

I bought the wedding edition of the english Gothic & Lolita Bible. it's so beautiful to look at and I wish I knew where to get the other issues. there are even patterns in the back so you can make your own adorable shit.

4 A.M blogs

hey guys. i haven't written in a few days.
sorry about that.
i don't actually know who i am apologizing to. probably myself because i don't like it when i create a journal or a blog and then get lazy and give up on it.

GOD DAMN IT i can see the veins in my wrists and hands and it's bothering me. yuck.

today (yesterday, rather) i got some more clothes and my dad paid off my costume dress. yes. i have it now. it's beautiful and i love it.



it's way puffier than you can see in this picture. lots of layers and stuff. it feels really cool to wear too.

Nobody wants to go with me to see Akira and Ghost in the Shell at midnight at the rio theatre on friday. absolutely nobody. it's so depressing i think i'll just go by myself in costume and see if anybody who isn't gross comes and strikes up a conversation with me. that's how i meet people - either through people or by just standing and mentally willing the other person to come and talk to me because i'd feel so forceful initiating conversation. it works more than you would imagine, actually.

i found out there is a male version of gothic lolita. it's called kodona and it's beautiful. i wish i knew people who would be willing to dress up with me and go to events and look cool altogether. perhaps i will know people like this one day. perhaps.

anyway we just had a fire evacuation thing which was dumb and it'll be daylight out soon so i might aswell try and get to sleep.