Tuesday, October 6, 2009

interview with self.

i stole this from some other blogspot.

1. Who influenced you the most when you were growing up?
my dad. definitely my dad. he still is (influencing me). i view him as some sort of deity placed on this earth to guide me through all of my trials and tribulations. i strive to be the female version of my father. i've told him pretty much everything i've ever done. i'll probably commit suicide if i'm not mentally prepared/developed enough when he dies.

2. Tell about your favorite childhood memory.
i have so many favorite childhood memories, but i think the entire period of time where my life consisted of waking up at 5 in the morning at my mom's on Sunday to watch cartoons (i even sat through the ones i hated just to get to the good ones) and eating mostly just the icing from like 5 packages of dunkaroos. the cookies were good too, but the icing was just fantastic. the rainbow one in particular. TV made everything better.

3. What was the saddest time in your life?
i'm not completely sure. like most people (teenagers, really), i'm sad a lot of the time. scratch that, i'm anxious a lot of the time. but the most anxious period in my life was when i was in grade 7 and my OCD symptoms were running rampant. i was convinced, that while sleepwalking in the middle of the night, i would grab the biggest knife out of the knive block, stab my stepsister in the top bunk, stab my dad and stepmom in the next room, and wake up to find everyone dead and realizing that it was all my fault. nobody could convince me otherwise, and i wasn't much help to myself either. i was in and out of the emergency room at the hospital because that was the only place i felt safe (where i couldn't harm anyone) when i was having an anxiety attack. all i did was cry. i can't even remember how long that went on for. i was also under the impression that i had some unknown mental illness that had never occured in anybody before, as i had no idea what OCD or its symptoms were, and i came to the conclusion that my life was over because i was insane and could never lead a normal life.

4. What was the happiest time in your life?
i can't focus on a single happy time that stands out from the rest. i've had a lot of really excellent but brief times where i'm completely ecstatic and thrilled with life. those are the best.

5. What was the best advice someone gave you?
something along the lines of "stop caring what everybody thinks." of course it was worded much better and sounded a lot wiser. my dad said it, and some other people said it. also, something about distancing myself from the past and looking at things that have happened and bad experiences i've had in a very emotionally numb way, but at the same time realising how badly the experiences made me felt and refusing to let myself go through the same things ever again. also from my dad. i am SO fucked when he croaks.

6. Tell about your favorite vacation - or a trip you've taken.
i haven't taken enough vacations to have a favorite, i don't think i've been alive long enough to have traveled very much. or maybe it's just because middle-class and my parents can't afford to fly me all over the world. i've been to hawaii, that's as exotic as it gets. disneyland a couple times, but i can't remember anything about disneyland, i was way too young. some shitty canadian cities you have to drive for five hours to get to. i didn't even answer this question properly. oh well.

7. If you could relive any part of your life, which part would it be?
i don't want to relive any parts of my life. i'm glad everything so far is over and done with. i guess i might relive the really happy times, providing it didn't take up too much time. i just want to get older and die. i just want to get everything over with. i'm tired of life experience. my childhood was pretty cool, though, considering i didn't really have to worry about "real people" problems. just stupid custody battles and anxieties i couldn't explain or understand.

8. Tell about a childhood friend, pet, and/or experience.
my best friend ever was Jessica. i met her in kindergarten. i remember our kindergarten teacher (who is dead now) told her something about her being too possessive of me and not allowing me to make any other friends and holy crap is that ever flattering to me. i don't know how to describe it. i want to facebook her but i can't remember her last name. it's really upsetting. anyway, all Jessica and i ever did was collect pokemon crap and watch digimon and one time her mom Kim told me digimon was better because it had more of a solid plot line and pokemon was just the same goddamn thing every episode. Kim also told me that her biggest regret was dropping out of highschool in grade 11. i think Jessica and i walked in on Kim and her boyfriend having sex one time but i can't really remember correctly. i feel weird when i think about it.

9. How did you choose your vocation?
i don't even know, really. i just have this ridiculous passion for everything to do with hair/hairdressing. and everything else just seems like it would be so tedious for me.

10. Of what event/accomplishment in your life are you most proud?
this question is so depressing. i haven't accomplished anything worth talking about. i guess i did a few things, um... started working out, stopped eating things that slowly kill a person, lost about 30 lbs. made some nice art projects. stopped living a destructive lifestyle. i didn't win any trophies or anything.

11. How have you changed as you've grown older?
i stopped dressing like an idiot. i stopped doing things that at the time i didn't realize were ruining me and my mental health. i'm still stupid and angsty, but on the bright side i've stopped doing things that were bad for me and i got less ugly. i stopped taking medication for OCD, but i'm thinking i should probably start again because i'm obsessing like no tomorrow and i'm feeling really depressed a lot of the time.

12. What was your most difficult accomplishment?
overcoming anxiety. that's not really an accomplishment, i'm still anxious, i haven't overcome shit. learning to deal with it has been difficult, and according to psychology's pseudo-motivational feelgood bullshit i should be really proud of myself for even sort of getting it all in check. i hate this question and i hate my answer, disregard it please

13. Tell about any regrets you've had.
i regret just about everything significant i have ever done.
i regret lying to myself. i regret dumbing myself down and letting myself be taken advantage of in order to sustain a stupid abusive relationship that wasn't going anywhere. i regret some things i'm not going to talk about publicly. i regret not listening to the warnings and advice of the people who knew what they were talking about. i regret every single careless injury that caused an ugly scar i have to look at today. i regret getting a perm. i regret slacking off when i first started high school. i regret looking for love in the wrong places. i regret trying to be something else to impress anyone that didn't actually matter. i regret being loud and obnoxious in public.

14. How do you approach death?
right now the only thing that scares me about death, or the idea of death, is how we have zero solid proof or information about what happens when we die. that's a scary thought. is it nothing? is it eternal damnation? are we re-united with dead relatives and pets? is it another plane of existence? none of us have any idea and it's terrifying. my dad told me his guess is that when you're dead, you're dead, and you don't think, feel, live, or anything. you just aren't.
that freaked me out and i wish he had a more comforting theory. i hope he is wrong about this one thing. i just want a cool afterlife for everything everyone on this planet has gone through, that's all.

15. How do you want to be remembered?
right now i don't care if i'm not remembered. i just don't want to be remembered as a person good people didn't like. that would be the worst possible thing.

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