60.

i don't ever want to change. i don't ever want to turn on anyone. i don't ever want to be that person.

wow...

pictured above is Park Da Som, who is sort of famous for having tons of cute pictures of herself all over the internet. she was arrested for pimping and beating her friends; in particular one who was down and out and needed her help. this is her story:

I don't know where to start. I was in distress 24 hours a day for 3 months, during which time it felt like it would never end. It lasted until March, and the matter still troubles my conscience even now. It's not a lie, which is why i remember the exact days to verify the story. Really... it is not a lie, please listen to my story. At first I was scared and confused. I feel a burning shame for these things. but many people want to help me, so I'm writing this.

I have proof that what I say is not a lie. Many people already know that I ate cat feces... it is true. That day I ran away. That was my second time to run away, but every time I tried, she caught me. I told her i couldn't eat that and that I would rather her hit me, and then she would go ahead and hit me. Then she would force me to eat cat poo, but i couldn't do it... Then, she would put it in my mouth and make me chew it. I felt nauseous, but i swallowed. After that, she ate Chinese black instant noodles, then she threw it up and made me clean it with my bare hands. After that, she said she would make me "hangover" soup. In it, she put in wasabi and ginseng and made me drink it. Then she said "Anyway, it's better than not eating anything, right? " So I said "Yes."

Her friends wanted money from me, too. They asked Park Da-Som(super cute girl's real name) if I could help them, and she said "Do whatever you want." But I was already afraid of Park Da-Som, so I couldn't refuse her friends. Anyway I paid off her friend's debts.

On her birthday, she booked her birthday party at an expensive place. The party cost more than 600,000 won, and 20 people came to it. But i couldn't sleep for 3 days because I had to make the money. She told me "If you can't make 600,000 won, then you will ruin my last teenage birthday. And if that happens, I will kill you. "

I was tired and had sores on my mouth from working too much, but I couldn't sleep because I had to find more guys. I couldn't eat anything, but when I said that to her she got angry at me because she thought I was faking. After that, she would force me to eat. She wanted lots of money from me but I couldn't make that much. So I wanted tell anybody about my situation. After finishing sex with a customer and getting money from them, I would have to go meet her. And while walking in the road, I thought about dieing. "How can I die naturally..." Or I would think "If I got pregnant, then would I have to do it anymore?" I thought things like this maybe 1000 times...

One day, after sleeping with some old guy, I was so tired that I fell asleep at the motel.
But she came there and pushed me and stepped on my face, then gave me a hard kick on my belly with her boot. It was winter then, and you know in winter the boots are very tough. She took me to her home, and at her home her mom was there. So she locked the door to her room and hit me with a pipe until I was bleeding from the head. So I told her I was sorry about being late, and that it wouldn't happen again.
But she said she didn't care that I was bleeding, and she made me lie down and then she sat on my stomach and tried to kick my face.
I turned my face as an involuntary response, so she ended up slashing my cheek.
Blood flew onto my eye, and I couldn't open my one eye and it changed to a blackish color.

After that, we went An-San Goryeo hospital. I had already been to the police station before, so Park Da-som reminded me "You are wanted by the police". So I couldn't use my medical card, or the police would know where I was. So if I got off from her side they would arrest me. I knew that what she said was all true. That's why I stayed with her and had sex with old men. My eye was treated using Park Da-som's medical card.
And that day too she made me ate cat poo, so the doctor had difficulty because I smelt like cat poo.
Even though I had hurt my eye she still made me try prostitution. I still did that because I couldn't do anything. When I met guys they were surprised about my body because I had bruises everywhere. But every time I said to them that it was just from an accident. One day I came back to Park Da Som's home and looked in the mirror. My eye was so puffed up that I couldn't open it, and from my eye pus was oozing out of the wound. I had to go to the hospital, but I couldn't tell to her. Anyway, she made me eat cat poo again, so I ran away from her and went back to my home.

My mom asked to me about my eye, but I couldn't tell her that it was because of Super Cute Girl. I still have a scar because when I got the ooze from my eye, I should have gone to the hospital right away, but I waited too long.

Oneday i was sleeping but not really sleeping. My father was close to me and he was crying. At that time my heart broke. I wanted to die. My parents gave money to Park Da-som because she told my parents I had used her money and that she had let me stay for free at her home. I feel so sorry about letting that happen to my parents.
When I think about that time, I think of myself as a real moron. I'm really sorry to my parents...

I went back to Park Da-Som because I couldn't get off her side, and needed money again. So, I tried to work harder. One day, she said "I prayed to God for you to come back here again. Thank you for coming back." I told her "No, don't say that to me. I'm more sorry than you." She asked me "So, you won't try to run away again?" And I replied "Yes, I won't go away anymore" Though we talked like that, it wasn't true. Eventually my mom found me and brought me back to my home. That was the last time I met Park Da-Som But after me, there was another girl Park Da-Som did the same thing to (referred to as "B" girl) Anyway, after my mom picked me up she asked me about what happened. She asked me over and over, But I didn't say anything to her, just pushed her away and made her get out my room. In February I tried to kill myself, but my mom helped me to live. Frankly, I'm still disturbed about everything that happened, but many people are helping me so that I can write this.

Hmm... It's already been 5 months. My life is getting better. I meet with my friends and I've been growing happier again, knowing that I don't have to see her anymore. But I feel burdened again because I talk about her again.. Many things happened in those 3 months, so I don't know how to chronicle everything. I just want to tell to you all "Please trust me. I'm not lying." I was physically damaged and emotionally hurt. Maybe Park Da-som will read this and she will be angry at me again. I already know what she will think. She told me before: "If you go to the police and tell about all this, then I will kill myself and tell everyone that my death is because of you! Then people will think I'm a poor victim. Think about that well. Also, if I die, my friends are going to kill you, too. "
Yes, if somebody reads this then they will think I'm a moron or stupid. But I believed what she said. That's why I did all that. I was really, really scared. Please trust me. Please...

translated story found on http://www.mongdori.com/forums/read.php?2,530
reblogged from fuckyeahuhljjang

delicious foods

hullo

i drank a coffee before bedtime and now i can't sleep. i'm so hyper, so jumpy. i want to go for a walk but it's pitch black outside and i don't want to get raped. still, i really need to use up some energy so i can sleep eventually.

i found something i didn't like. i feel very stupid. my room is a mess, it was clean earlier today. i deshelved and decloseted everything, i got excited. i wish i had more friends. i wish i had another best friend. i wish i had more money to buy christmas and birthday presents. i can't wait to be seventeen. i can't wait to go for this nightwalk. i am feeling fine.

best early xmas gift ever

Danielle decided to give me my xmas present early. This is the best, since I love filling out questionnaires/surveys/question & answer books. It's way better than Listography. It's also from 1998. I already filled out half of it, I can't help myself.

I didn't get any work done today or yesterday. I'm just suffering from a total lack of motivation. I don't want to do stupid chemistry maths. I feel really fat and gross. I've been too tired to exercise lots lately. I need a long walk tonight.

Microsoft Windows has stopped working

My house is a mess. I don't have any motivation to clean up the dishes that are piling up or to put away the clothes on the floor or to put away that marushka doll that I knocked off the shelf.

When I don't feel well, I sleep. I carbo-load and fall right asleep. That's what I'm going to do right now.

more weird dreams

Last night i dreamt that i was Mariah Carey's cousin and a perverted version of Sailor Moon where the Sailor Scouts were rainbow colored and Sailor Moon was a hermaphrodite were in an AMV to a song that Mariah Carey had written for her father (my uncle) and i made a facebook status update about the song and Mariah Carey's father inquired about it but i had a moral dilemma because i did not want to show him the video.

why is izuna drinking milk in a hot spring?

toasts and coffee for breakfast

for the past couple months (i think) it's been nearly impossible to crush my spirits.
before the smallest thing would get me down and obstacles felt like the end of the world. it's so nice to have a constant where i'm (more than) content with my life with no ups or downs.

looks like i'm not going to sanfran anymore. my mom is worried about money, and she knows we'll end up spending too much if we go. it's okay, i didn't really want to go in the first place, and i don't want to go on a trip if she can't afford it and it makes her broke or something.

did i talk about how my dad quit his weekend job? i can't remember. anyway, he's been working 7 days a week since before i was born, and he just quit his weekend job. i don't know how he did that for so long. he was getting really moody, too. i think quitting that job helped. the only problem is that we're going to be even more broke than before, but he says we'll get by, and he wouldn't lie about something like that.

yesterday i was on the skytrain to the hospital and sitting accross from me were these two really overweight chicks. one was dressed in a pink sweet lolita jacket paired with mundane-ass jeans and sneakers. she was also wearing a hairband made for little girls. the other one was dressed regularly. they were talking about gothic lolita and anime evolution and the one in the sweet lolita jacket was talking about how much she knows about lolita in this deep, disgusting voice. i know i'm too judgmental but oh my god. LOLITA IS NOT FOR YOU. the whole concept of lolita is about looking like an innocent, dainty little girl and you just can't do that when you're 200+ lbs, over 25 and have the voice of a man. especially considering you're not even doing it right, you never, EVER pair lolita pieces with regular clothes. it's also incredibly lame to wear it as everyday attire, all you're doing is embarrassing yourself. i am NEVER going to anime evolution. just because of that. i am literally disturbed. some weeaboos have no shame. i hope people appreciate the fact that i am a relatively quiet weeaboo. i don't bother normal people about the stupid embarrassing shit i like. i'm pretty embarrassed about the chobits and hellsing posters in my room. i have a conscience.

i think my ex is suffering from brain damage.

a considerable amount of time has passed since we broke up. it was probably the messiest breakup ever, anyone who is close enough to me knows why. but for some reason, after innumerable phone calls where we screamed at each other, fights because i won't get back together with him, and emails and messages i didn't answer hoping he would get the hint, he will STILL send me a message every so often where he types out some essay on how his life is terrible and it's my duty to start seeing him again in order to make it better or something. i didn't answer the last time, but this morning i got a message from him telling me to PLEASE ANSWER BACK so he knows i really don't want anything to do with him and everything would be fine and he'd stop bothering me. so i did, and surprise surprise, he doesn't stop bothering me, instead he starts up with his abusive bullshit about how i lied about loving him and he'll never trust anyone again and how i'll never meet anyone better than him and he'll never meet anyone better than me.

i hate his guts. i wish he would drop off the face of the planet. every single time we get into one of these arguments, he'll end it with something like "okay, I'm sorry, I won't bother you ever again." but then he does bother me again. and it seems like it never ends. if i don't respond, he sends more messages, because in his mind the reason i'm not responding isn't because i want him to go away, it's because i'm not getting the messages. i really hope this was the last of it. i'm so tired of not being able to go more than one month without being reminded of my past (him) because he feels it's due time for another one of his gigantic emails/messages. if i ever see him again (i really, REALLY hope i don't) and he tries to talk to me or something i swear i'm going to go up to him and hit him as hard as i possibly can. i don't care that he's bigger than me, or that he could probably demolish me in a single hit because it would just feel so damn good to show him just how much i hate him now.

new header/layout!

i was getting really tired of the old one. art used is by tama.

okay, so i know this isn't helping my "I'M NOT A WEEABOO" argument in the slightest but i found another anime i can tolerate. and it's ONLY because it's about creepycute gothic lolita dolls.
shut up. yes i watched the first season, and i am aware that this is from the second season (which is what i'm almost finished watching now). hina ichigo is my favorite. I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE..

my mom planned a trip for us to go to san francisco when the olympics are on!! i've never been there before. my grandma (on my mom's side) is paying for it. i am so intimidated by that woman. she means well, and she's not crazy or anything, she's just not exactly the stereotypical nurturing grandmotherly type. i remember when i was little one of her dogs bit me and i was crying and she told me to get over it. it wasn't even that bad, what she said, it just made me feel like a crybaby and the bite hurt!

" "

there are some people that i wish would just disappear or at least move far away where i never have any chance of seeing them or hearing about them again or something.

i felt really tired at around 10:30-10:45 and was all excited about getting to bed early and getting a good night's sleep. unfortunately as soon as i crawled into bed i became awake again.

what the hell is this?

i hate thinking of titles for these

hey. i just woke up from a 3 hour nap.
i had a dream that upset me but i can't really remember much of it now (stupid dreams and forgetting them right away). all i remember is in one part of it i was on the skytrain, realizing i missed my stop by two stops, and i was rushing to get out the door but a little kid was blocking the doors so i was stuck on the train. i was pissed and i loudly insulted the child and his mother. then i dropped my cellphone. when i picked it up, and opened it, (i have a keybo, i open my phone yeah wut) it just started to fall apart! first it broke into two, and then it just sort of... collapsed into a bunch of pieces. when i woke up i thought i didn't have a phone anymore.

i'm so happy, i have a real tokidoki bag now. i got the Leo Serena for $100 less than it usually is! it's so sturdy compared to my knockoff. this is it:

i feel the need to mention how great it is not finding pieces of my hair in everything. i'll never forget eating dinner and consuming my own hair at the same time, that was disgusting. i could run my fingers through my hair and four strands would break off. it's because there was so much of it and it was so damaged from the perm. never again.

sorry

i feel sort of bad because i haven't seen my mom in a couple months and she arranged this dinner-gettogether type thing with my cousin and i but it keeps feeling through every time she arranges it. she told me it wasn't happening (again) this morning but she asked me if i wanted to come visit anyway, except all she would be doing is painting. and i really didn't want to go all the way to ladner for a few hours to watch my mom paint and breathe in some fumes, so i declined. she sounded disappointed and i felt terrible right away.

anyway, i'm feeling really content with everything right now. i think that's the main reason i haven't been updating this as frequently. i'm way less stressed out too, i finished the first science module (probably failed it) and moved on to the second one, which is chemistry, which i really like for some reason.

i cut all my hairs off like i said i would. it's super short. i still have bangs though, i can't part with my bangs. halloween was lots of fun! wearing fake blood for extended periods of time is really uncomfortable, to say the least.