na na na na

i feel better, actually i felt better on Friday.
Friday morning, i woke up and didn't feel an ounce of sadness/anxiety/dependency.
i don't know how i got over things so fast. i'm not doing one of those things where i'm telling myself i feel okay when i don't, honest-to-gawd, i feel good.

really bored. but good
no neediness
no regret

i feel good.

I haven't updated in a really long time.

I feel even worse than when I did circa September/November.
I didn't think I was going to feel this way for a long, long time. It's such a shock when things are going so well, you're stabilized, you are completely content with your life - and then, just as you least expect it, the rug is pulled out from under your feet and everything is in ruins.

At this point I'm just in complete and utter disbelief. The last person I expected to hurt me did exactly that. And once again, somebody has taken a little piece of me and left me weaker than I was before. I keep telling myself I need to stop being so trusting and so eager to please, but I never do. The need to make somebody else happy to feel valid. It's like it never lifts.

gorgeous bun

I have a problem

Some dirty skid on the skytrain seemed to think I was eyeing her dirty skid boyfriend, so she proceeded to climb onto his lap and start vigorously sucking face with him. I was so tempted to say something along the lines of "No, really, your boyfriend is a disgusting greaseball and you two probably exchanged STDs, trust me, I don't want him," but I probably would have gotten beat up.

I think there's something wrong with me because people ALWAYS think I'm giving them toffee eyes or dirty looks. No, I'm just LOOKING, I don't want to fight you, I don't want to sleep with you (or your boyfriend). At one point I became very aware of the unintentional "looks" I give people I'm hardly paying attention to and tried to correct it, but it took too much concentration so I gave up.

I just hate when strangers get the wrong idea about me. I shouldn't care but I do.

this show is awesome

???

i haven't cried in a really long time. maybe a month or two months, but that's a long time for me considering i would cry about stupid things on a weekly or even daily basis.

but this isn't one of those momentary hour-long cries or whatever. i've been having crying spells on and off since before five this morning and all through today (so far). i don't want sympathy, i just want to look back on this so i'm able to remember feeling this way and remind myself that it always gets better. that cliche crap, you know? it helps.

look and feel filthy. i ate a bunch of unhealthy things because of christmas and my birthday. i have that ugly after-crying look where your face and eyes are all red and your nose is full of mucus. i need a shower, i need exercise. i need sunlight