Lately, I have been feeling like crap

i hope whoever reads this blog appreciates the fact that this entry is going to be pretty informative.

more on the title of this entry: "Lately, I have been feeling like crap." it's true. i really don't know what is causing it, though. at first i thought it was because i was just sitting at home doing nothing (my school registration is a sort of painstakingly long process and i don't even know if they're doing anything about it, really, we haven't received any sort of update), but then i went outside and did some things and started exercising again (my ankle is better, my toe is still sorta gimped) but that didn't really help for more than an hour and then i just realized that me being a shut-in is not what is causing these terrible feelings. it might be because it's been about two weeks since i completely stopped taking my SSRI and my body is reacting to that crap being completely out of my system. i think i have a little bit of reason to be anxious and depressed but it shouldn't be making me THIS anxious and depressed, you know? i found an old prescription of clonazepam in the cupboard. i don't know why we have a full bottle of this stuff lying around, i guess my psychiatrist perscribed it to me and i decided i didn't want anything to do with it. either way, am i ever glad i didn't throw this stuff away. you might not know what clonazepam is, i don't really know what it is either. i only know that i used to take it a lot whenever i felt really anxious and needed to calm down, and it basically just made me too sluggish to feel any anxiety about anything. i'm going to start doing that again, at least until whatever is wrong (i don't even know what's wrong) sorts itself out. what i DO know is that i really don't want to start taking an SSRI again. the clonazepam is sorta nice because i don't have to take it on a fixed schedule, just whenever i need it. sort of like an aspirin. also it doesn't really have any lasting effect and as far as i know, it leaves my system fairly quickly (unlike SSRIs). i am probably completely wrong about all of this so don't quote me on this (i don't even know what kind of situation you would be in where you might want to quote me on this, i'm making myself seem like i think i'm important or something. sorry).

i'm feeling especially terrible about my past, too. stupid things i did when i was a few years younger that i can't seem to forgive myself for. i'm hesitant to talk about these problems with my peers for fear of the social stigma that might come from people knowing about these things. i didn't murder anyone or anything, people are just very judgmental, and i know this because i am very judgmental myself. but lately i've been trying to be less judgmental and realize that we are all pretty much equal in terms of grossness or lameness. i don't know, is there any real point bothering someone about something a bunch of people have already bothered them about, especially when they're going to regret that something a couple years down the road? i want to be completely unbiased and have nothing bad to say about anybody. that's my goal. i want to be that kind of adult. someone that nobody is afraid to talk to because they know that someone won't have anything bad to say about them, ever. i don't think anyone really deserves to have anything bad said about them unless they've wronged me in some horrible way, so i'm making it my goal to stop saying bad things to people. maybe i should just go all the way and not even say bad things about people who say bad things about me first. i'm tired of dwelling on the mistakes that other people have made in order to make me feel better about my own. i don't think it's a good theraputic method for my self-guilt or hatered or whatever.

after all, we are mostly all just losers one way or another.

in completely unrelated news, i burned some skin off my nose trying to steam out blackheads. the water i used on the facecloth was scalding and that was definitely a bad idea, because now instead of having a couple blackheads i have weirdo burnmarks on my nose that look like acne scars.

the clonazepam kicked in and i'm not feeling nearly as crappy as i did when i begun writing this entry. i'll probably write some more later when i feel like crap again.