not feeling any better...

all i want right now is to be around others or to have a shoulder to cry on.
i don't even know why i'm so upset, i just feel like nothing is ever going to work out and i don't deserve any better than what i've gotten in the past. i almost feel like it's pointless to look for things that are better for me because i'm just not good enough for them.

like i said, all i want right now is a shoulder to cry on. but others have lives and their own problems and can't just drop everything and look after me when i'm not feeling alright. and i don't feel as if that's unjust or anything, it's just how it is, really. i need to learn to deal with my problems independantly because i'm terrified of pushing others away, because let's face it - who really wants to deal with that one person whose life is almost always in ruins. it's not your life to fix, eventually you just get tired of trying and hope the person figures it out on their own. i don't know how many people i've pushed away by doing this but i don't want to lose anybody else.

never, ever again

monday (today, yesterday? the two obviously blend into one another when you stay up/out all night) was a day from hell.

i'm probably just being dramatic, but i feel like a complete fucking wreck right now.
i'll divulge:

i did my first in-person-dumping ever. it didn't feel good. it didn't feel empowering. it just felt like crap. what a waste of emotion. i *hate* short, pointless relationships, anybody can tell you how useless they are. experience my ass, more like a blatant waste of time. in the end, you're usually just like... "how on earth did i ever decide that getting into a relationship with this person would be a good idea? why didn't i listen to anyone? why didn't we just stay friends? why did we cross that line?" but dwelling on this doesn't change the fact that you (likely) fucked up a chance at possible friendship with the person and things will never be the same.

completely unrelated: wow, facebook is being a pile of crap right now

uh, anyway, i'm one of those people who prefer not to be alone during periods of time like these, so i went out late, and stayed out later. everything was really helpful and took my mind off of everything, my friend even got me a ride home (i cannot reiterate enough how greatful i am to you for this - not just the ride home obviously, for hanging out with me when i was all upset and stuff, you're da best) because the skytrain wasn't operating at 1:30/2:00 but then i (a little too much coffee) thought it would be a good idea to walk to the quay instead of just b-lining it straight home. whatever, my dad would've been pissed, i somehow got the idea in my head that it would be really easy to sit in the park at the quay, use the swings and read on a bench for five hours... needless to say, that didn't work.
two hours in i headed home and sat in my apartment lobby for an hour and a half and i finished my book!!! yesssss. finally getting around to finishing a book that has been sitting in your bookshelf for a couple years is a little gratifying.

5:30 and i decided to scrap my "arrive home at 7 and pretend i just caught the first bus home" plan and now i'm here. i'm going to make it a point here to stress that i really don't like lying to my dad but tonight was necessary, i needed out and i needed out as long as possible. i wasn't even doing anything bad, i'm sure he'd sympathise. no more late nights in which have to orchestrate massive lies just to cover up the simple fact that i stayed out later than i'm actually supposed to be staying out. i like having a parent that trusts me and i think i'll try a little harder to maintain this trust.

on a separate note: lately i've been writing FULL BLOWN BLOG ENTRIES. i'd like to think it's sort of impressive for someone who has a pretty fixed schedule of sleeping, internetting and exercising. i wonder if anybody actually reads these entire things. i remember when i'd get so bored on the internet i'd just devote hours on end to reading some weirdos livejournal that takes place over the span of a couple years. i like other people and i like it when they document their lives in a way that is easily accessible by me.



everyone should have a blog.

this blog entry in point/bullet form

• i ate a whole bag of green grapes in two days (i think it was just me, maybe someone else ate some of it though)
• my nose still looks stupid
• i feel like puking (think it has something to do with the grapes)
• taiko drum master is a really awesome game
• the amount of complaining i do is going to ruin any possible friendships i might ever have (nobody wants to listen to someone complain)
• i'm going to sleep at an hour that ISN'T absurd tonight
• hopefully my school stuff will be sorted out by tomorrow afternoon
• my anxiety is through the roof lately
• kokanee beer is tasty, i don't want to make a habit of it though because a) it's fattening and b) i just don't want to make a habit out of drinking beer
• apparently there is more to life than sleep, going to the gym, the internet, and eating but it seems so unattainable
• i'm a little worried about my sweet danielle (cheer up gurl)
• i'm scared my dad has H1N1
  

Lately, I have been feeling like crap

i hope whoever reads this blog appreciates the fact that this entry is going to be pretty informative.

more on the title of this entry: "Lately, I have been feeling like crap." it's true. i really don't know what is causing it, though. at first i thought it was because i was just sitting at home doing nothing (my school registration is a sort of painstakingly long process and i don't even know if they're doing anything about it, really, we haven't received any sort of update), but then i went outside and did some things and started exercising again (my ankle is better, my toe is still sorta gimped) but that didn't really help for more than an hour and then i just realized that me being a shut-in is not what is causing these terrible feelings. it might be because it's been about two weeks since i completely stopped taking my SSRI and my body is reacting to that crap being completely out of my system. i think i have a little bit of reason to be anxious and depressed but it shouldn't be making me THIS anxious and depressed, you know? i found an old prescription of clonazepam in the cupboard. i don't know why we have a full bottle of this stuff lying around, i guess my psychiatrist perscribed it to me and i decided i didn't want anything to do with it. either way, am i ever glad i didn't throw this stuff away. you might not know what clonazepam is, i don't really know what it is either. i only know that i used to take it a lot whenever i felt really anxious and needed to calm down, and it basically just made me too sluggish to feel any anxiety about anything. i'm going to start doing that again, at least until whatever is wrong (i don't even know what's wrong) sorts itself out. what i DO know is that i really don't want to start taking an SSRI again. the clonazepam is sorta nice because i don't have to take it on a fixed schedule, just whenever i need it. sort of like an aspirin. also it doesn't really have any lasting effect and as far as i know, it leaves my system fairly quickly (unlike SSRIs). i am probably completely wrong about all of this so don't quote me on this (i don't even know what kind of situation you would be in where you might want to quote me on this, i'm making myself seem like i think i'm important or something. sorry).

i'm feeling especially terrible about my past, too. stupid things i did when i was a few years younger that i can't seem to forgive myself for. i'm hesitant to talk about these problems with my peers for fear of the social stigma that might come from people knowing about these things. i didn't murder anyone or anything, people are just very judgmental, and i know this because i am very judgmental myself. but lately i've been trying to be less judgmental and realize that we are all pretty much equal in terms of grossness or lameness. i don't know, is there any real point bothering someone about something a bunch of people have already bothered them about, especially when they're going to regret that something a couple years down the road? i want to be completely unbiased and have nothing bad to say about anybody. that's my goal. i want to be that kind of adult. someone that nobody is afraid to talk to because they know that someone won't have anything bad to say about them, ever. i don't think anyone really deserves to have anything bad said about them unless they've wronged me in some horrible way, so i'm making it my goal to stop saying bad things to people. maybe i should just go all the way and not even say bad things about people who say bad things about me first. i'm tired of dwelling on the mistakes that other people have made in order to make me feel better about my own. i don't think it's a good theraputic method for my self-guilt or hatered or whatever.

after all, we are mostly all just losers one way or another.

in completely unrelated news, i burned some skin off my nose trying to steam out blackheads. the water i used on the facecloth was scalding and that was definitely a bad idea, because now instead of having a couple blackheads i have weirdo burnmarks on my nose that look like acne scars.

the clonazepam kicked in and i'm not feeling nearly as crappy as i did when i begun writing this entry. i'll probably write some more later when i feel like crap again.

meat house!

~20 sausages
12 rashers of bacon
1kg of sausage meat
2/3 a packet of bread crumbs
= 5870 calories...

9087668

i'm taking a week off from the gym to give my ankle time to heal, i feel like a pile of shit when i'm sitting on my ass but it hurts to walk.
nothing interesting has happened, never mind this entry....

my stuffed rabbit smells not nice

i was introduced to restaurant city! it's much better than farm town. at first i was reluctant to play any sort of game on facebook ever again but i am pleasantly surprised with restaurant city.

today i didn't do anything except go for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. it was delightful and i think i am going ahead with the surgery. the doctor told me she would send my information off to the government for approval, would hear back from them in up to 12 weeks, and then give me a call so we can schedule for the surgery. i filled out lots of paperwork. the surgery will probably happen in 6-18 months. she gave me some information on aftercare which sounds dreadful but i think i can handle it. i just hope i don't scar too badly.

UGHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i just bawled my eyes out and yelled at my dad because he kept telling me to look for some card with a fax number on it that he supposedly gave me even though i kept reminding him that he never gave me any card and that both him and my mom always do this stupid thing to me where they tell me something happened that clearly DID NOT HAPPEN but it's their word against mine or whatever and i'm stuck being made out to look like an incompetent piece of shit when it's really their crappy memories at fault.

everything hurts. my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts, my back hurts, my toe hurts, my head hurts and my throat hurts. there's a blood spatter on my wrist and i am definitely not going to wash it off.

i'm in one of those moods where i basically just want to turn all the lights off and sleep away the anxiety/bad feelings/etc.

my internet therapist doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

a long-awaited update

hey. it's been a little while. maybe a week or so? i'm not sure.

so i didn't get in to burnaby mountain after all and now i'm doing my courses online. i had to choose four courses and complete the first assignments, but i couldn't complete two out of the four - for whatever reason they didn't have planning 10 on the website and english 10 instructs me to complete my first assignment upon registration. i really wish i hadn't slacked off when i was younger because i'm stuck doing grade 10 work when i should be doing grade 11 work. i guess it isn't that bad though, because at least i'm not stuck in a classroom full of 14 year olds and i have the comfort of being able to do this at home.

i lost my goddamned wallet yesterday. everytime i think about it i feel really upset. i think i lost it on the bus home, but i don't know how the hell how because i always put my wallet in by bag right after showing it to the bus driver. i don't want to jump to conclusions but perhaps somebody pickpocketed me? i hope not. even if they did all they really got was a september bus pass and last year's go-card. it's not like i had any money in there or anything. but i still had some important things in there and i'd really like it back. i phoned translink's lost property line this morning and they gave me some bullshit about it taking 2 business days for the lost stuff to be turned in. what. the. hell. give me my wallet! i need it now! how aggravating.

anyway i've completed my two assignments and now i have shit all to do for the rest of the day.

september blogs

i feel sluggish.
pretty excited that by next week i'll actually have somewhere to go everyday and not just stay at home on the internets! it won't last, though. i'll get upset with the new schedule and will want things to go back to the way they were.

i feel fat and disgusting. i don't know why i feel fat and disgusting but i do and it's a horrible feeling.

i don't really have anything cool to talk about right now! maybe i will only update my blog when something neat happens. nobody wants to read this crap.