Tuesday, October 27, 2009

nothing and nowhere

halloween is on saturday! i wish i was more prepared. i always have elaborate plans for a really neat costume but i never get things together fast enough and it just falls apart. happens every year. oh well. i'm getting my hair cut today. i'm sitting in my house in my pajamas wearing a thick scarf around my neck. it looks ridiculous. stupid throat.

Monday, October 26, 2009

i hate the sound of my own heartbeat

i cannot stand it. i'll be running and i'll feel it thudding in my chest, or i'll press on a vein and feel my pulse ever so slightly, and i'm repulsed. it's so unsettling. i don't have a problem listening to heartbeats belonging to other people, it doesn't bother me at all, in fact it's almost soothing, it's just mine that bothers me. the worst is when you're panicked or you ran too hard and you'll be heaving, trying to breathe properly and your heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest and bleed everywhere.

Friday, October 23, 2009

" "

i'm cutting my hair off. just the curls. i want fresh, new hair which i'm not going to dye or perm or do anything to ever. having to wash it and put product in it to keep it smooth everyday is getting to be such a hassle.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

. . .

something doesn't feel right again.

instead of doing schoolwork, i'm going to spend the day watching skins. i'm really not in the mood for schoolwork. why does it seem like whenever everybody else is having a great time, i'm having a not-so-great time and whenever i'm having a great time, everybody else is having a not-so-great time? it's like we all can't be happy at once or sad at once or something. a tradeoff, even.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

i'm conflicted!

i really don't know whether i should switch to tumblr or not. maybe anyone who reads my blog and knows anything about blogs could comment on this entry and tell me what i should do? i know you won't do it.

anyway i wrote a whole essay about capital punishment today. somebody told me i spelled it wrong but i don't think i spelled it wrong. it said "capital" punishment and not "capitol" punishment on the assignment info page and i googled it and i think it's called "capital" punishment in Canada instead of "capitol" punishment. it was only supposed to be an essay outline but i wrote the essay first, saved a copy of the essay and then edited it to make it look like an outline. i did everything backwards.

11 days till halloween
67 days till xmas
80 days till my birthday

why can't we have these here???

Monday, October 19, 2009

FUK TUMBLR!!!1

okay, i say this now, but i'll probably eventually end up transferring over to tumblr since everyone on blogspot seems to be doing that. i'm just really going to miss my history of blog entries.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

the bane of my existence

is this stupid, stupid science assignment. it's probably not stupid actually, i think i'm the stupid one because it's been about a month and i still can't figure it out. i asked somebody on the internet for help and they helped me and i was so happy when i submitted the assignment because i was finally over with it but i checked my inbox this morning and my science teacher said i did it all wrong and gave me little to no clarification as to how i am supposed to do it the "right" way.

when i wake up from my nap which i am going to take after i finish this blog entry, i am going to read the last 19 pages of this book

and when i have finished reading those final 19 pages i will have finished reading this book in less than 24 hrs. it's my favorite book now. even more of a favorite than Idoru, probably. i am also reading

it isn't as good as The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time and much, much longer and i am really not as interested in it as TCIOTDITNT but i am interested in it and it is funny and i like it. i wish i had money so i could buy both of these books and put them in my bookshelf which is full and cannot hold any more books so i would have to buy an additional bookshelf to shelve them which is another reason i wish i had money. but i like to be able to take a book i've read out of my bookshelf to re-read it or even just look at it or something. and i can't do that when the book is at the library and other people are borrowing it.

anyway my stepsister has just come home and i'm afraid of her going into the bathroom for a long time so nobody else can use it so i will finish this blog entry right here so i can go use the bathroom and then go to sleep. bye

Monday, October 12, 2009

another day of another day of another day of

i feel sad.

but i found a way to make the sims 3 work without crashing! i made my girl sim go to central park where she met another sim and proposed to him within 3 hours. i don't know where they're at right now. she's really busy with her career as a backup vocalist and i don't have any idea where he lives. it's kind of worrying because she's like 1/4 of the way through her "Adult" stage and i want her to get married and have kids and she can't when she's at the gross "Elder" stage. i wouldn't care if she wasn't so cool looking. does anyone else notice that after you're playing the sims for too long when you stop you feel as if you are a sim and need to balance out your moods and notice that your "social" or "hunger" bars are getting too low? i do.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

iiiii got dosed by u

my dad has been really goddamned weird lately. anytime something trivial happens, something that isn't even a big deal, really, he flips out and tells me to get a job and move out. i don't understand this, dad. you're usually very logical and rational and only say things like this when you're absolutely livid. ((side note: i fucking hate it when people call my house and speak to me in chinese. hey, you fucking retard, you're calling CANADA, and you are fully aware that 2/3 people currently living in the house you're calling DON'T SPEAK CHINESE, so don't fucking do that. for fuck's sakes it's so inconsiderate and rude.)) anyway, all in all, i'm a pretty good daughter, i think. i don't usually break curfew, i don't do terrible things, i clean up after myself, but whenever my dad becomes angry with me for something that he wouldn't normally get angry about he treats me as if i'm some pothead mooch without a job who dropped out of school and is leeching off of the family or something. i asked him if he would pay my rent and bills if he wants me to move out so badly because i'm still in highschool and won't be able to make enough money with a part-time job to pay for everything i need and he just stops talking or changes the subject. also someone was telling me i should get a can of compressed air for my laptop to clean the dust out of the vents and i told my dad, "we need a can of compressed air." he came and stood in my doorway and literally pointed his finger at me and very sternly said "don't tell me what we DO and DO NOT need. you don't get to say what goes on here. i'm tired of this."

i don't like this. i don't like to have a bad relationship with the person who provides for me and i go to when i have problems. it's already like that with the other parent, i don't want it to be that way with both of them.

i think it might have something to do with his wife being gone and not coming back until after christmas. obviously he is going to miss her because she's his wife, but she also took care of the house and made sure things were clean and not disgusting because all she did was sit at home and sleep most of the day. maybe living in a messy environment is getting to him.

anyway, moving on. remember a few (a lot) of entries back i was talking about how my toenail was all weird and discolored and sore? well i forgot about it, and it just stayed a bad color but i painted my red polish over it and really just forgot about it. i thought the discoloration would go away. but when i came home last night and was sitting crosslegged at my desk i noticed the nail was halfway off. there was no blood, no pus, it was just... sort of falling off. it was really sick. i pulled it off. danielle was on speaker phone when it happened, but she made me make a youtube video of it so she could watch it happen after it had happened. i told my dad about it and he gave me some tissue and said to put the tissue over the place where my toenail would be and use a band-aid to hold it in place until it grew back.

so i don't have a big toenail anymore. this happened once, or twice, but when i was way younger. i don't remember how long it took to grow back. it looks really gross. i hate it so much.

i got the sims 3!!!
but yeah, there is a problem. my laptop overheats and shuts off during gameplay. :(

Saturday, October 10, 2009

my 1st attempt at nail art by toothpick



: (

Thursday, October 8, 2009

i want to feel stable/neutral again.

everything i think about is causing me anxiety.

school,
the prospect of work,
other people,
exercise,
consciousness.

i don't feel safe. i don't know how to explain this feeling, but i'm not dealing with it well. all i want to do is sleep and eat. i want the medications to hurry up and get back into my system but i think it takes a couple weeks. i have no idea how i'm going to live with myself until then.

i just want to feel better?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

interview with self.

i stole this from some other blogspot.


1. Who influenced you the most when you were growing up?
my dad. definitely my dad. he still is (influencing me). i view him as some sort of deity placed on this earth to guide me through all of my trials and tribulations. i strive to be the female version of my father. i've told him pretty much everything i've ever done. i'll probably commit suicide if i'm not mentally prepared/developed enough when he dies.



2. Tell about your favorite childhood memory.
i have so many favorite childhood memories, but i think the entire period of time where my life consisted of waking up at 5 in the morning at my mom's on Sunday to watch cartoons (i even sat through the ones i hated just to get to the good ones) and eating mostly just the icing from like 5 packages of dunkaroos. the cookies were good too, but the icing was just fantastic. the rainbow one in particular. TV made everything better.



3. What was the saddest time in your life?
i'm not completely sure. like most people (teenagers, really), i'm sad a lot of the time. scratch that, i'm anxious a lot of the time. but the most anxious period in my life was when i was in grade 7 and my OCD symptoms were running rampant. i was convinced, that while sleepwalking in the middle of the night, i would grab the biggest knife out of the knive block, stab my stepsister in the top bunk, stab my dad and stepmom in the next room, and wake up to find everyone dead and realizing that it was all my fault. nobody could convince me otherwise, and i wasn't much help to myself either. i was in and out of the emergency room at the hospital because that was the only place i felt safe (where i couldn't harm anyone) when i was having an anxiety attack. all i did was cry. i can't even remember how long that went on for. i was also under the impression that i had some unknown mental illness that had never occured in anybody before, as i had no idea what OCD or its symptoms were, and i came to the conclusion that my life was over because i was insane and could never lead a normal life.



4. What was the happiest time in your life?
i can't focus on a single happy time that stands out from the rest. i've had a lot of really excellent but brief times where i'm completely ecstatic and thrilled with life. those are the best.



5. What was the best advice someone gave you?
something along the lines of "stop caring what everybody thinks." of course it was worded much better and sounded a lot wiser. my dad said it, and some other people said it. also, something about distancing myself from the past and looking at things that have happened and bad experiences i've had in a very emotionally numb way, but at the same time realising how badly the experiences made me felt and refusing to let myself go through the same things ever again. also from my dad. i am SO fucked when he croaks.



6. Tell about your favorite vacation - or a trip you've taken.
i haven't taken enough vacations to have a favorite, i don't think i've been alive long enough to have traveled very much. or maybe it's just because middle-class and my parents can't afford to fly me all over the world. i've been to hawaii, that's as exotic as it gets. disneyland a couple times, but i can't remember anything about disneyland, i was way too young. some shitty canadian cities you have to drive for five hours to get to. i didn't even answer this question properly. oh well.



7. If you could relive any part of your life, which part would it be?
i don't want to relive any parts of my life. i'm glad everything so far is over and done with. i guess i might relive the really happy times, providing it didn't take up too much time. i just want to get older and die. i just want to get everything over with. i'm tired of life experience. my childhood was pretty cool, though, considering i didn't really have to worry about "real people" problems. just stupid custody battles and anxieties i couldn't explain or understand.



8. Tell about a childhood friend, pet, and/or experience.
my best friend ever was Jessica. i met her in kindergarten. i remember our kindergarten teacher (who is dead now) told her something about her being too possessive of me and not allowing me to make any other friends and holy crap is that ever flattering to me. i don't know how to describe it. i want to facebook her but i can't remember her last name. it's really upsetting. anyway, all Jessica and i ever did was collect pokemon crap and watch digimon and one time her mom Kim told me digimon was better because it had more of a solid plot line and pokemon was just the same goddamn thing every episode. Kim also told me that her biggest regret was dropping out of highschool in grade 11. i think Jessica and i walked in on Kim and her boyfriend having sex one time but i can't really remember correctly. i feel weird when i think about it.



9. How did you choose your vocation?
i don't even know, really. i just have this ridiculous passion for everything to do with hair/hairdressing. and everything else just seems like it would be so tedious for me.



10. Of what event/accomplishment in your life are you most proud?
this question is so depressing. i haven't accomplished anything worth talking about. i guess i did a few things, um... started working out, stopped eating things that slowly kill a person, lost about 30 lbs. made some nice art projects. stopped living a destructive lifestyle. i didn't win any trophies or anything.



11. How have you changed as you've grown older?
i stopped dressing like an idiot. i stopped doing things that at the time i didn't realize were ruining me and my mental health. i'm still stupid and angsty, but on the bright side i've stopped doing things that were bad for me and i got less ugly. i stopped taking medication for OCD, but i'm thinking i should probably start again because i'm obsessing like no tomorrow and i'm feeling really depressed a lot of the time.



12. What was your most difficult accomplishment?
overcoming anxiety. that's not really an accomplishment, i'm still anxious, i haven't overcome shit. learning to deal with it has been difficult, and according to psychology's pseudo-motivational feelgood bullshit i should be really proud of myself for even sort of getting it all in check. i hate this question and i hate my answer, disregard it please



13. Tell about any regrets you've had.
i regret just about everything significant i have ever done.
i regret lying to myself. i regret dumbing myself down and letting myself be taken advantage of in order to sustain a stupid abusive relationship that wasn't going anywhere. i regret some things i'm not going to talk about publicly. i regret not listening to the warnings and advice of the people who knew what they were talking about. i regret every single careless injury that caused an ugly scar i have to look at today. i regret getting a perm. i regret slacking off when i first started high school. i regret looking for love in the wrong places. i regret trying to be something else to impress anyone that didn't actually matter. i regret being loud and obnoxious in public.



14. How do you approach death?
right now the only thing that scares me about death, or the idea of death, is how we have zero solid proof or information about what happens when we die. that's a scary thought. is it nothing? is it eternal damnation? are we re-united with dead relatives and pets? is it another plane of existence? none of us have any idea and it's terrifying. my dad told me his guess is that when you're dead, you're dead, and you don't think, feel, live, or anything. you just aren't.
that freaked me out and i wish he had a more comforting theory. i hope he is wrong about this one thing. i just want a cool afterlife for everything everyone on this planet has gone through, that's all.



15. How do you want to be remembered?
right now i don't care if i'm not remembered. i just don't want to be remembered as a person good people didn't like. that would be the worst possible thing.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

?

Friday, October 2, 2009

day 8

it's been 8 days since i started blogging about feeling like crap, so it's safe to assume that the "week from hell" is no longer just a "week". maybe it'll stop soon though, i shouldn't get my hopes down. i'm probably just being an angsty teenager.

some important things have happened, let me see:

  • school is really stressing me out
  • my application or whateveritwas for the breast reduction surgery got approved! unless i'm confused about what the lady on the phone said (i probably am, it's probably not actually going this fast, i'm just getting my hopes up) i'm having the surgery this coming spring!! yes.
  • i'm getting stressed out and obsessive about issues that aren't even really relevant but i can't help it
  • i went and saw a movie with danielle, a film festival movie, called "antichrist". i don't know how i felt about it. it was probably a movie meant for intellectuals who look into deep meaning and recognize metaphors and that's why i didn't appreciate it/get it.