Wednesday, December 2, 2009

there's just so much i can't do.

if i had the skill to make things like this i would probably never stop drawing. among many works, i would have my own comic book series with my own characters. in fact, i would have more than one series. i have it all planned out in my head. i would be so busy constantly creating i wouldn't have time to think about sad things anymore. i could eat, sleep, and draw and be satisfied in knowing that when i'm wiped off the face of the planet i will leave so much to be remembered by. that would be good enough for me.

unfortunately i'm not really talented. i'm good at things, i have a few skills that not everyone has, some creative intuition. bits and pieces here and there. but i'm not really anything. i don't really have a solid identity. when i think about the people i know, i think about the things that make them who they are, which are the things they can do better than anybody else. what a person does, or what a person really cares about is what makes that person unique. i think, "oh, ____. ___ is really good at ____." and then i become so frustrated with myself because i know i can't think about myself like that. i know other people can't think about me like that. i think the few people who know me (but not really know me) just see me as that unstable person who has been having issues as long as they can remember, so they don't bother anymore. or maybe they don't see me in any way at all, i stopped being memorable a long time ago. most likely the latter of the two.

that and i i just noticed how quickly half-eaten apples brown when you leave them out.

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